Holy Shit! That Zombie Has A Nice Smile!

****Part 1(Originally Posted Aug 7, 2009-Revision Mar 4,2011)****

BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!

I roll over and smack my alarm clock like the hulk would smash a puny car. I groan and sit up on the edge of my bed. I rub my face, almost as if that was going to magically wipe the exhaustion from my body. I look over and smile as I find my savior, a half smoked Kahmal just lying in my ashtray. I pick it up, flip open my lucky Cleveland Brown’s Zippo and inhale the deadly, yet oh so good, fumes. I leaned over and flip the tv on. I flip the channels a few times and stop on the local news.

“In other news,” the anchor said enthusiastically, “P&G announced that they are currently in the testing phase of their new toothpaste. It is supposed to make regular dentist check ups a thing of the past. How you say? Well, here’s the press conference that P&G had this morning.”

“This new toothpaste, Crest Regenative, is supposed to regenerate any damaged enamel on teeth. It also repairs cavities and gum damage. It’s really quite remarkable.”, a scientist that represented P&G said excitedly.

Huh, what shit will they come up with next.

I finally flipped the tv off, after figuring that was going to be the most important news of the day….fucking toothpaste.

I wake my computer up and put some Dream Theater on, and begin getting ready for work. Put my favorite plain gray t-shirt on, and slip on a pair of jeans. Slip my glasses on. Put my Ohio State ball cap on.Dropped my keys, cigs, phone, and my lucky lighter in my front pocket. Then slipped my wallet in my back pocket.

Thump.

I look back and there lays my wallet.

Shit forgot my car eats right back pants pockets.

I pick up the wallet slip it in my left back pocket and head up the stairs from my command center, aka bat cave, aka Fortress of  Solitude, aka Wanctuary, or just a  bedroom. Get up to the top and there waiting for me, wagging her stubby tail was Sasha, my roommates doby/rottweiler mix. I patted her on the head and rounded the corner to the kitchen.

“Sup, dude. Heading to work? Your gonna be late.” My roommate Lee said.
“Yeah, was just grabbing a Dew before I head out.” I replied.
“So what are you getting into after you get off?” Lee asked.
“Well dad, if you must know. I will probably head to Staggie’s with Nick and Mark and get a brew or 10. Is that alright with you?” I said sarcastically.
“Yeah, just make sure you get me the rent and electric money.” Lee reminded me.
“Whatever, Dueces.” I said giving the peace sign as I walked out the door.

Out the door I went. Lee had let Sasha out, and she was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs to the porch. I stopped for a second, patted her on the head, and for a second I could have sworn that she had a concerned look on her doggy face. I walked to the front got in my POS Saturn and off I went.

Now, if I would have known how the rest of my day went, I would have robbed Wal-mart, stocked up on food, cigarettes, and beer. Knocked out a hooker, and locked myself in the base ment with an ass load of guns and ammo….and the hooker.

****Part 2(Originally posted Aug 12, 2009-Revision Mar 5, 2011)****

“Ma’am, I still fail to see how your cat puking on your computer is our problem.” I informed the lady.

“Well, I can’t get on the internet now. And your suppose to make sure I can get connected to the internet, right?” The woman replied matter of factly.

“Exactly, how am I suppose to do that if your computer isn’t working?” I shot back.
“Send a tech out here to fix it.” she demanded
“Ma’am, I can’t do that. We are a cable company not a computer repair shop.” I explained.
“Is there a supervisor I can talk to? Apparently you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” The woman insulted.
“Sure let me connect you with him. You will hear a click, then a minute or two of silence, and after that you will hear some fast tones, that’s to let you know that my supervisor is getting on the line. Have a great day.” I said.

Click.

I hung up on the clearly retarded lady, and stood up. Sitting on the other side of my cubical wall were Trent and Dan, then sitting in the group of cubicles behind me, was Chuck, or as I like to call him Chucky Poo.

I continued the conversation we were having. We were talking about the one thing every geek has had a heated argument about, and has actually planned for, as if it would really happen…Zombie apocalypse.

Surprisingly, all that planning paid off.

“So, are we talking traditional supernatural zombies, or the biological/chemical zombies? You know the fast zombies, like in 28 Days Later.” I asked, continuing our zombie apocalypse debate. “Because if we are talking biological zombies, then I say, yes, mosquitos can transmit the disease.”

“I disagree.” Chuck chimed in, “Why would the mosquito want to bite a zombie. I mean after you die, your blood congeals. That would make it too hard for the mosquito to suck it up.”

“Yeah, but I mean there’s that period just after the person dies and becomes a zombie that the blood will still be in liquid form, right? Bam! Mosquito bites, sucks up some infected blood, moves on and bites poor Fluffy, the family Pomeranian. Fluffy is then infected and instead of licking your hand, he’s licking your brains off the floor.” I explained.

“Well, It’s a moot point guys. I was talking about traditional, slow zombies.” Dan informed us.
“Ah, then yeah, you would totally be safe on an island. Until they found out that they didn’t have to breath and could walk on the bottom of the ocean.” I replied.

“Yeah, true. But that becomes a different problem all together. The fish would eat on the zombies strolling across the bottom and become infected. Then eventually all you would have is an ocean full of zombie fish and shit…There goes your main source of food.” Dan said.

“So, I guess you wouldn’t be….Thank you for calling Tyme Wormer Cable. My name is Chuck. Can I get your account number please?” Chuck began to say, but was interrupted by a call.

I turned and sat back down at my desk. Reached over and took a swig of my Java Creature.

Mmmm. Damn, you Kona Blend for being so damn tasty!

Looked at my computer screen.

Fuck! 8:30. Still got 2 hours left. Guess I’ll take a break.

I got up, snatched up my phone, my lucky Zippo, and my pack of Kahmals and headed out. It was a pleasant summer evening, nice breeze, a flash of lightning, and a shit load of rain. Lucky for me there was an awning over the back door to the parking lot. I flipped open the top to my pack of cigs, and pulled out the first one I put my hands on.

Oops. That’s my lucky.

I slipped the cig back in and pulled the next one out. Flipped my Zippo open and flicked it to life. I bent my head forward to make the cigarette and the flame meet. Apparently my arms, at this particular moment, lacked elbows. As I was lighting my cigarette, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I flipped the lighter closed, extinguishing the flame, and took a drag off the life saver. I looked up and at the end of the parking lot, standing out in the rain, kind of stumbling around like a drunk man, stood someone. I took another hit off the cigarette.

What the fuck?!?

The person stopped,  and charged full speed straight at me.

****Part 3(Originally posted Nov 28, 2009-revision Mar 6, 2011)****

The figure drew closer, charging in a blinding rage. Growling and snarling. I took another hit of my cigarette. He was just a few feet in front of me and wasn’t slowing down.

Side step.

CLANG!

The guy ran right past me and right into one of the poles that held up the awning. He fell backwards and didn’t move. He had the imprint of the pole in is face, and his nose was clearly broken and blood spewing from his nose. He was also wearing a lab coat from P&G…odd, but whatever.

I shrugged my shoulders and flipped the butt of my cig out into the parking lot, and waved my magic id badge to unlock the door. BEEP, CLICK. I opened the door and went back in to work.

“Man, that was the craziest shit. Some dude just tried to attack me! He ran all the way across the parking lot and tried to tackle me. But I dodged him and the idiot ran into a pole.” I said to Dan and Trent.

“Is he still out there?” Dan asked.

“I think so, he was out cold and all bloody when I came back in. Matter of fact, we should probably call and ambulance. He was pretty fucked up.” I answered.

So I called 911 told them what happened and said they should probably send an ambulance and some police, because he was clearly crazy. Then I went back to work.

BEEP!

“Thank you for calling TWC. My name is  Rajendrakumar. (Figured if the Indian tech guys took  English names to make it easier on Americans, I should take a Hindu name. You know to even things up.) Can I get the home phone number?”
“Wait, what did you say your name was?” They guy asked.
“Rajendrakumar.” I replied.
“Can I just call you Raj?” He said.
“No you may not sir. What can I help you with?”
“Well my phone isn’t working, Raj”
“Please, sir, my name is Rajendrakumar. Give me just a second to look up your modem…..Ah yes, seems its offline. Are there any lights lit up on the modem?”
“Uh… No there is not.”
“Is the modem plugged up to the power?”
“Now don’t you think that I smart enough to check……Oh, no it’s not….Now its plugged up and I’m getting lights on the modem.”
“Ok, good. Go ahead and check your phone now.”
“Well it’s working now thanks, Raj.”
“Well thank you for choosing TWC. If you have anymore problems, please call back and ask for me, Rajendrakumar.”

Click

Ah there’s the ambulance, and the cops.

****Part 4****(Originally posted Aug. 28, 2011)

I’ll skip ahead a few hours….don’t want to bore you.

“Finally..10:30. PEACE OUT BITCHES!!!” I exclaimed to all my fellow co-workers.

I grabbed my cigs, my work badge, and my car keys, then headed out the door. As I got closer to the door, the flashing of emergency vehicle lights bathed the hallway in blue and red.

Why would the EMT’s still be here after 2 hours?

I shrugged it off and out the doors I go.

Great still raining. Hmm, EMT really is still working on that guy…must have messed himself up real bad…..wait a sec……

I take a step closer.

That’s not the EMT  working on the crazy scientist….that’s the crazy scientist EATING The EMT!!!

“What the fuck!!!” I gasp.

The crazy scientist, still crouching, turns his head to face me. His face was covered in blood, and he still had a bit of flesh dangling from the corner of his mouth. With a ghoulish screech he leaped at me. I managed to dive out of the way. The scientist was on me quick. I managed to stop his gnashing teeth inches from my jugular. Kicked with all my strength and drove him off me. It charged back at me. I grabbed the first thing I could…the butt can. Swung and connected with the things head. There was an explosion of blood and ash. I stumbled back blinded and hit the tailgate of a truck. The thing was blown into parking lot by my swing. It seemed stunned. Which was nice since I was momentarily blinded. I managed to wipe the ash out of my eyes in time to see the crazy scientist regain its senses and begin a new charge. In a panic I looked around for something I could use as a weapon…there it was a gas can. I picked it up and threw it. Mr. Scientist, as I have come to call him, caught it. In Tuskin Raider fashion, raised it above his head and began to screech and shake the can, dousing himself in gasoline. Could not believe my luck. I hadn’t really thought that plan through.

Perfect time for an awesome one-liner.

I pull my pack of smokes from my pocket. Removed my lucky from the pack and placed it in my lips. Got my Browns Zippo out, and in one motion, used my leg to open the case and light the lighter on the trip back up. Went to light the cigarette in my mouth and say my line,

“Looks like your toa…..”, wet cigarette breaks in half, “God dammit. Just fucking burn.”

I toss my lighter at him and whoosh, he’s in flames.

Luckily my lighter had hit the crazed guy in the chest set him ablaze and landed far enough away for me to retrieve it. As I bent over to pick it up, I heard moaning and shuffling behind me. I turn to see what was going on.

“Really?” I said sarcastically.

The EMT slowly rose to his feet, missing half his face and his tongue hanging out the hole ripped out of his neck. I didn’t even fuck with this guy. I ran straight back to the door, swiped my badge as fast as I could and pulled the door shut behind me. Just in time for the EMT to slam into the door. I ran back over to my cube.

“Holy shit, guys! You will never believe what I’m about to tell you.” I said panting.
“Dude, why are you wet and…you have a cigarette butt stuck to your face?” Dan asked.

****Part 5****(Originally posted Sept. 8, 2011)

“Unimportant.” I declared. “I shit you not, I was just attacked by a crazed P&G scientist, and an EMT that had his mother fucking FACE, eaten off!”
“Whatever, dude.” Dan scoffed.
“I’m fucking serious dude.” I shot back, finally removing the lone cigarette butt from my face. “Come on, I’ll show you.”

Took Dan, Trent, and Chucky Poo to the back door of the building. The EMT wasn’t banging on the door anymore. Lights still flashing on the ambulance.

“Well he was just here banging on this door.” I explained. “Guess we gotta go out and take a gander.”

I slowly opened the door and stuck my head out and took a quick look around. Nothing in site. Opened the door fully and took a step out. Finally working up the nerves. I let go of the door, which Dan caught, and walked twords the other side of the ambulance where the scientist laid. The guys, still standing in the door way, watched me go around the corner. Then watched me quickly run back around.

“Oh, shit! Oh, Shit! Get back in, here he comes!” I yelled.

About half way to the door, the EMT, and get this….The scientist both come running around the side of the ambulance.  Made it through the door and got it closed before the got there. Now we have two…zombies, I guess…banging on the back door.

“Holy shit, man! You weren’t lying.” Trent exclaimed.
“Why the fuck would I lie about something like that?” I questioned.
“Um…Where’s Chuck, and those zombies left the door pretty quick?” Dan announced.
“Dammit, man. I think he’s still out there.” I said. ” Mmmmm. I guess I will go out there and take a look real quick.”

Popped my head out the door again.

“Ok, he’s in the back of the ambulance, but those things are pulling the doors off the hinges. So he doesn’t have a long time.” I informed. “We will have to go out there and save him. I have a ball bat with a nail in it, in my trunk. I need you guys to distract them for me while I run and get it.”
“Well I have a shotgun in my car.” Trent said
“Nice, maybe we can sneak out and get them before they notice.” I schemed.
“Cool, I will get my chainsaw.” Dan said.
“Ah, nice.” I high-fived him. “Let’s do this!”

Trent took off through the building to go to the front parking lot where his car was. I slowly opened the door and crept out with Dan following behind. We split up, I went to my car and he headed to his. I made it to mine first, popped the trunk and grabbed the bat. Then sprinted to the ambulance. I ran around the corner and faced the crispy scientist.

“Batter’s up, Bitch!”

I swung with everything I had. CRUNCH! I caved the other side of the things head in and knocked it to the ground. It stopped moving, but now the EMT had turned his attention to me. I wasn’t worried. All I could hear was the buzz of a chainsaw. Dan was running at it from behind. But one thing I hadn’t counted on.

BUUUZZZZZZ. THWAP!

Dan swung, underestimated the length of the cord on his electric chainsaw, pulled the cord from the outlet and smacked the EMT in the back. Good news, it’s not after me. Bad news Dan gets to run.

He dropped the chainsaw and started to run away. I went to chase but was grabbed by the leg and tripped.

“Damn, don’t you fuckers die!?!” I yelled, trying to free myself from the crispy, caved in headed scientist.

Dan tried to out run the EMT, but damn those things are fast. It was almost on him when out of no where was a foot in its chest. It shook the shock away and went to continue pursuit only to run into the barrel of a Mossberg pump shotgun.

“Meet Hooker. One cock and she’ll blow.” Trent said as he pulled the trigger.

BLAM! Head gone.

The guys turn to help me, only to find me over top of the scientist. Repeatedly beating it.

“You….THWAP!….Stupid….THWAP!….Mother…THWAP!…FUCKER…THWAP!…YEAH,WHAT’S UP NOW BITCH!!” I yelled.

I was covered in blood.

“Damn, that was a bit harder than I thought.” I mused.
“What the hell is going on?” Trent asked
“I dunno, but the scientist was from  P&G. So I am assuming we would figure out the answers there.” I surmised “Better get Chuck.”

We walked to the back of the ambulance and opened the back door. Chuck jumps out of the back of the ambulance, double fisting scalpels, screaming….

“YOUR NOT GONNA TAKE ME ALIVE!!!! YEEEEEEE  AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!”

We moved. He landed on his face.

Comments
  1. crystal vallandingham says:

    Where’s part 2? I’m hooked. Can’t wait for the zombie’s smile!

  2. crystal vallandingham says:

    Zombie fish…..NEVER would have thought to question whether or not zombies could exist under water! Kicking myself for not having that kind of forethought, but I LOVE IT!

  3. Audrea Nowlin says:

    Ah! Love the one liner. For some reason it made me picture Bruce Campbell.

  4. Audrea Nowlin says:

    Loved when the cigarette broke! Here’s a zombie, covered with gasoline, and your ciggy breaks….Don’t ya just HATE when that happens?

  5. Audrea Nowlin says:

    That was Crystal speaking, not Audrea.

  6. crystal vallandingham says:

    Note to self: always keep a cordless chainsaw in the trunk.
    Can’t wait to see part 6

  7. Phyllis Wells says:

    Pretty cool story Jon!! Where do you come up with this stuff at????

  8. Misty Smith says:

    Thwap!!! LOL!!! What now Bitch!!!!

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